I just typed this email to someone I need to speak to urgently… Urgently… My kids teacher is speaking really inappropriately about them in front of them “(Your Son) was horrible all day! ALL DAY! I left him to do 3 math problems and came back 15 minutes later and he STILL hadn’t finished!! It was 2X6! 2X6?!!” Looks at me as though I’d sympathize with her about how my 2nd grader is struggling with intro to multiplication. News flash. I love my boy and I don’t think he’s horrible… but anyway, mama bear needs a meeting, right? So I email her to tell her that I need to meet with her as her language and story telling skills in front of my kids is no short of appalling. That’s just not how you talk about kids in front of them.They just don’t get any positive benefit out of the conversation. All that to say, it’s a big deal! I really need to meet with her. And guess what my email was to her when she told me her availability???
“Unfortunately, no. I have a Board Retreat all day on Sunday for (My Boys Preschool), Birth Class on Monday Night, and Bible Study on Tuesday night. Wednesday I’m off island all day for an OB appointment, Thursday I have a final meeting for the (Summer Camp) fundraising I’m a part of, maybe we can meet after school on Friday, and I can just send the boys out to the playground while we talk? Sorry I’m so busy, but it IS very important that we talk.”
I JUST SENT THAT EMAIL TO SOMEONE I NEED TO SPEAK TO!! It’s like the old busy me is reappearing this week and I am really unhappy about not having time for something so incredibly important to me.
I have a board retreat in the morning. It’s an all day retreat at one of the members homes where we will work on a bunch of things that won’t matter to me, because I think this is a great example of me not having any time for my real life. I think I’ve always made myself busy to gain some sense of self-worth.
My ex-husband sucked all the life out of me every day and I needed to feel needed somewhere, anywhere, everywhere… I began the day we got married. I coached I went to classes, I took classes, and I was a part of anything and everything. It’s actually quite satisfying. However, now that I have this stable human as a partner, I have no lack. I had enough time away from my ex to realize that maybe in his perception I am just a “boring mom” that is “no longer attractive to him” and that I’ll “never know what it’s like to have people ask you for your number everyday, it’s a struggle” and all the other horrible justifications he made for his infidelity – but hey, that stuff isn’t really untrue. I’m actually okay with all of those things….and I don’t need to be “involved” in so much because I have a pretty good job being – Mom. I’m a partner, and a mom, and I also have to work. I feel like that’s pretty much it.
My work wants me to work more, but from home! Awesome!! But I don’t have time!! I’m too busy saying yes! So tomorrow, I’m going to try out a word I try not to use. I am going to say “NO”. Thanks for the awesome day, but “NO” more. I don’t know the duration of my leave but hey, maybe forever. I did it for a couple years, so that’s doing some service I think.
Next year, I think I get to say “NO” Summer Camp, I will not be heading up a fundraising team. I’ll keep my bible study and Volleyball (when it’s time to start that again) because those 2 things bring ME joy and happiness. I am a better mom when I have those 2 things. and I also have CrossFit during the days, so maybe even Volleyball is optional.
I’m too busy. I feel crazy typing all this, but I need to think out loud about what the heck I do all day everyday. I am ready to mainstream and be too busy for “life” because I’m nursing my brand new beautiful baby boy. I am excited for the inability to say yes and I’m not sad that I am here in this place. I did my part here and there and for good reasons and causes, but I think I need like a “one cause at a time outside of the home” kinda rule maybe… I don’t know. I’m ditching those two I think and hopefully that will help me make those important teacher conferences and I’ll be away from my children only when I absolutely need to be. It’s time for me to reel it in.
It’s just time to analyze. Time to take a step back and see what I really can achieve by being really truly present.
Cheers to frequent self-evaluations, pregnancy hormones that make you think into the wee hours of the night, and to God for always loving me and providing for me! How blessed I am that these are my biggest problems.
Life is good.