There’s a “wool over my eyes” moment that I blissfully and ignorantly had.
I chose to be happy when maybe I should have been seeing the signs. I wonder about that part in me. The part that is shocked when someone actually makes a mistake or sins or is human. That part of me that feels embarrassed for not seeing it coming when in hindsight all the signs were there. Honestly, I just always feel as though I’m looking for the best in people and the deception that’s possible I just push out because it’s icky and doesn’t feel good.
People are human though. My Priest this weekend said there is goodness and badness in all of us and that loving meant accepting and loving the person with their good and their bad. I think he meant that we should love unconditionally. I feel like I do and then this happens and I get hurt and I wonder where my unconditional love is now?
What I think I’ve figured out is reality is hard. People make mistakes and I love and love and love and when it hurts, I hurt. Still I love and love and love… but I’m shocked and embarrassed until I remember that I too fail and need forgiveness daily. It’s hard to keep the world and human nature in perspective all of the time.
I don’t think I was wrong to trust or to give or to love this much. It may make my pain worse when I’m let down, but God made me pretty tough. Maybe that’s so I could love this deeply.
I’m hurting, and that is okay. I will trust and love and give until it hurts again and again and again because I’m not giving up on mankind. I’m not going to let the devil win. If I self preserve, all I have in the end is self, and that my dear friends is not what I want.