Built with a super power!

God built me special. I have a great desire to physically work hard. I like to do challenging things. I like a good competition of ANY kind. I enjoy the idea of homesteading – as I’ve mentioned before.

Here is the puzzling thing! I find absolute and great JOY in building, growing animals, gardening… I also can be sloth like in my laziness – although having kids and so many of them has effectively cured me of this disease. The puzzling thing is I can spend endless amounts of money on conveniences of any type. I can even justify it to the grave! Like buying something I could make or produce at home; I would simply explain to myself that said purchase was more efficient due to the lower prices per pound of said product this manufacturer is able to produces simply because the quantity they buy in reduces their cost – therefore it’s a better “deal” to buy this donut because you know me making this donut would cost me more time and more money! Lol. Seriously. Brainwash myself to get what I want.

Tonight I feel like I was given this gift. It was made clear to me that although I enjoy the finer things in life and the conveniences, I am this freak that can also ENJOY THE JOURNEY and the toil of hard work!! I need to change my mindset.

This getting out of debt thing is a challenge. This is something that I can really really do! I need to look around and see where I can save and not spend. What we can eat that we already have, what we can make or make do with without having to spend money. I can do this! I love this stuff!

Finally, I’m excited about getting out of debt for the journey. For the challenge. Yes, being out of debt is going to blow my mind, but what I really love is the challenge! So cheers! Heres to extreme living for the enjoyment of the challenge and all its ways of getting to that debt free goal!

Complications – it takes daily focus on the debt

I keep finding out that I can talk myself into a purchase and fully believe it’s a “need” when no one else can weigh in. What happens moments later is regret.

Just an update. Failure happens and even when it’s $9 I didn’t need to spend, it adds up.

Here’s to ignoring my stupid brain and really really really learning how to not touch the money! It’s just like my diet. This cannot be that hard.

Stop spending Girl! Stop eating dumb food things. It’s that simple. That’s it!

SO about that debt…

It’s been a solid year since I decided to kill my debt.
Something was missing from that. It was all about me.

I didn’t insist my husband get on board. As the leader of my family, how did I think I could do this without him? I need him. I need his loving guidance and his heart to be on my team. Well this year, on Valentine’s Day, I bought us the Financial Peace University package!

That small change did it! He watched one video and was hooked! He’s ready to be on a team together and to keep us accountable. I’m officially starting on March 1st. I have my budget ready and we have even talked to a financial counselor and had a free consultation where we were asked, “Looks like you have this plan under control! What do you want from me?!” and how wonderful is that to have someone review everything with you and then tell you that they have no reason to charge you money because you have it all figured out.

Here’s praying to God for the wisdom to follow the plan for the grace to not deviate from it and for all the patience we need to get this done but the blessing to get it done quickly! Light our fire God! We are ready to let you lead with our money!

It’s time to KILL OUR DEBT!!!

I’m tired of seeing my husbands face fall when bill time rolls around! I’m tired of being the cause of all the distress. I’m going to get motivated and get back on the Dave Ramsey Plan. Now, I can’t make him join me and I’m certain that he will love seeing the results so I’ll do like I’m supposed to do…I’ll pray for him and for us and for our family!!

Starting the new plan with some motivational videos!

Marriage and Life

We got married!! Finally!!
It was a long 2 years. Well, in hind site it wasn’t. It actually went by super fast. In that time we loved, we hurt, we succeeded, we failed. We did a lot of living and a lot of life, but still… super fast. I went through my RCIA, the annulment process, the marriage preparation, so much preparation. I got a glimpse in the middle of our marriage counseling part. I got a glimpse that my marriage was going to be so much different than my engagement but I had no idea how much more deep it would be and feel.

He showed me somewhere in there that to him there was something deeper coming. I want to keep saying THEY but THEY is ME now. I was confirmed at my wedding ceremony and had my first Communion!! It was amazing…

Marriage for Catholics is life changing. There’s Sacramental Grace provided so we get this extra burst of turbo gas to be who we are meant to be in this marriage. I got a little extra grace for all of the 4 Sacraments I experienced that day. Those help. A lot!

Marriage for Catholics is permanent. There’s no exit here. There’s no divorce, no leaving, no “it didn’t work out” or “things changed” or “I fell out of love”. Even cheaters don’t get a free exit nor the poor spouse who was cheated on. Those excuses don’t matter. Those are reasons why you now live with a stranger” for Catholics. It’s a reason to try harder. If you piddle in your pond you have to sit in it. So I see that there’s more genuine trying. More actual heart revealed and honest love. More grace more fairness, more love. It’s strange. I feel like I have given 100% since I met him, but then I see he was almost holding back. Almost protecting himself from the possibility that I could leave him. Now that we are married it’s like the commitment is confirmed and it’s now safe to love. It feels so so good.

We work harder to love each other now. When you know it’s forever, you want that forever to be good. There’s a knowledge that to love means to sacrifice and so we do. When we sacrifice for one another, we win. Now there is, how shall I say?? Bathtub moments… where the love is all around you and you just take a moment to bathe in it 🙂 That’s allowed, but then you go on and love them back and make whatever sacrifices necessary to bathe them in your love so they can enjoy that special feeling of being the one and only for you. It’s fun. It’s important. It is very very good.

So there we are – married. Loving life, little bumps here and there. I’m humbled a little everyday – I’m amazed a little everyday. I’m just… happy.

Happy Means Human

There’s a “wool over my eyes” moment that I blissfully and ignorantly had.

I chose to be happy when maybe I should have been seeing the signs. I wonder about that part in me. The part that is shocked when someone actually makes a mistake or sins or is human. That part of me that feels embarrassed for not seeing it coming when in hindsight all the signs were there. Honestly, I just always feel as though I’m looking for the best in people and the deception that’s possible I just push out because it’s icky and doesn’t feel good.

People are human though. My Priest this weekend said there is goodness and badness in all of us and that loving meant accepting and loving the person with their good and their bad. I think he meant that we should love unconditionally. I feel like I do and then this happens and I get hurt and I wonder where my unconditional love is now?

What I think I’ve figured out is reality is hard. People make mistakes and I love and love and love and when it hurts, I hurt. Still I love and love and love… but I’m shocked and embarrassed until I remember that I too fail and need forgiveness daily. It’s hard to keep the world and human nature in perspective all of the time.

I don’t think I was wrong to trust or to give or to love this much. It may make my pain worse when I’m let down, but God made me pretty tough. Maybe that’s so I could love this deeply.

I’m hurting, and that is okay. I will trust and love and give until it hurts again and again and again because I’m not giving up on mankind. I’m not going to let the devil win. If I self preserve, all I have in the end is self, and that my dear friends is not what I want.


Exercise During Pregnancy

For all of my concerned or curious friends who wonder about working out and pregnancy. Medical research has proven it’s an absolute necessity and without it, many women are left obese and in pain. Please read this! Or at least my favorite parts that I highlighted!

I still do CrossFit because I feel GREAT! I feel absolutely amazing, I feel less discomfort, I feel strong and even though my little monkey decided to be breech AND so I have to have a C-Section now, I’m glad I’m in the best shape to heal…

Having had a few children already, I can tell you that this pregnancy has been amazing. I’m usually in love with being pregnant, but it meant putting up with pain and swelling and discomfort (and I found the joy in it anyway).

This one is different.

Not one day of cankles. Not one day of discomfort (that wasn’t related to a poor food choice hahaha). Every single time I had a sleepless uncomfortable night or a series of uncomfortable can’t sit can’t stand days was solved but what I had been eating….

Please read this article. Educate your self so that the next generation of mothers knows it can be so different.

Article from the Journal of the American Medical Association – with highlights



No Vacancy.

I’m so used to these little flutters. I’m never alone. I feel whole and good.

I love being pregnant. I love the idea of it, I love the responsibility. I love that feeling of life and being able to share my own heart beat to keep someone else alive.

Now this is not my first baby, but there’s this wonder of human minds where I can’t quite recall specific things. Like after he’s out and my little love sits before me suckling, continuing to survive from the wellspring that is my body. There, in that moment, will I feel lonely? When he’s no longer within me but in my arms, the world at his finger tips, will I miss those flutters? Will I miss wondering if he has a tummy ache when I do? Will I miss knowing how safe he is within me?

It occurs to me that I may have had this same exact feeling or thought before, but the details elude me. I don’t remember if that bitter sweet moment made me swell with tears or not. Change is not something I’ve ever been able to embrace without fully mourning the passing of something else. So too with this, I think there could be that moment. There could be a sadness in the joy.

I do know though, that every single time I feel excitement and eagerness to meet this handsome boy or wonder how soft his skin will be or if he will love to snuggle and nurse with mouth wide open or if he’ll show his very decisive nature through his vocal alerts into the wee hours of the night, every single time when I think “I just can hardly wait to meet you my prince!” that moment is quickly followed by a gasp and a realization that I will then no longer be pregnant! This, like every phase of my life, has been thoughtfully prepared and appreciated to its greatest because every moment in life deserves that much respect. Every day has some good in it. Every season has its uniqueness that is only going to be so for that season. My optimism, my drive in this life is harnessed and nurtured and grown. My love for this phase does not mean that it is painless. It does not mean that every moment is perfect. What it does mean is that every moment is appreciated.

For example, right now: I have killer heart burn. There’s something that feels hot and burning slowly creeping up my throat like liquid soaking up a napkin. It’s not enjoyable. You know what is though? There’s a tiny human inside me! There’s a precious little gem, someone with their own dreams and goals, talents and love laying cozy within my womb. Maybe that sweet being is laying on parts of me pushing things causing this “discomfort”….. or …..maybe the relaxin hormone my body is readily providing in preparation for that special moment when my body literally opens joints to allow safe passage to this sweet soul to join us out here on the outside. Maybe that magical hormone on its own, it’s doing its job making those little secure doorways keeping all of the stomach things in their home loosey-goosey so they can slip out the wrong direction. Now who can complain about that?? Yes that darned hormone that’s going to change the most supportive bone in my body into wet spaghetti so that baby can come out safe and sound – it’s giving me a slight burning sensation in my throat. It’s just a perspective moment. It’s a scraped knee in the middle of 10 mile ruck march. It’s a tiny thing when you look at this amazing process we have been blessed to harness and be a part of.

I wish more people took the time to appreciate all the amazing things they get to do in their moments. Appreciating something so much that it’s absence actually brings tears.

But then again if everyone did that… there’d be nothing left to complain about. Now we can’t have that…or can we??

I will miss having my baby inside my body. I will appreciate having him outside my body. I will appreciate every moment. I will take every thought captive and see God’s love in each and every single moment I can, with His grace.

I’m just too busy.

I just typed this email to someone I need to speak to urgently… Urgently… My kids teacher is speaking really inappropriately about them in front of them “(Your Son) was horrible all day! ALL DAY! I left him to do 3 math problems and came back 15 minutes later and he STILL hadn’t finished!! It was 2X6! 2X6?!!” Looks at me as though I’d sympathize with her about how my 2nd grader is struggling with intro to multiplication. News flash. I love my boy and I don’t think he’s horrible… but anyway, mama bear needs a meeting, right? So I email her to tell her that I need to meet with her as her language and story telling skills in front of my kids is no short of appalling. That’s just not how you talk about kids in front of them.They just don’t get any positive benefit out of the conversation. All that to say, it’s a big deal! I really need to meet with her. And guess what my email was to her when she told me her availability???

“Unfortunately, no. I have a Board Retreat all day on Sunday for (My Boys Preschool), Birth Class on Monday Night, and Bible Study on Tuesday night. Wednesday I’m off island all day for an OB appointment, Thursday I have a final meeting for the (Summer Camp) fundraising I’m a part of, maybe we can meet after school on Friday, and I can just send the boys out to the playground while we talk? Sorry I’m so busy, but it IS very important that we talk.” Read more

Love. Or was it?

I was so deep in my passionate dance with Jesus… just swirling in the emotional bath of his grace and glory… His love was so enveloping and strong and true… that I didn’t realize that that boy who was standing next to me wasn’t the one. He didn’t love me like I thought he did. He was just standing in my shadow. So close in my drunken love that I thought he was the one. It was Jesus. It was always Jesus. My worship overflowed on the wrong one. I should have kept my eyes up. Now I see. Now it’s clear. It was Jesus that was loving me all along…

Now that I see what human love really is… What it truly feels like to have a person really really love you… now I see the truth. Now I can see. It’s deep and distracting and warm and delicious, but it’s no where near the same. It’s beautiful and comfortable. It’s a different kind of cozy, a place that makes sense. Where things are clear and honest and not always easy. It’s a special privileged place to be. It’s humbling and faith growing… but it’s not the same.

It’s hard to see how confused I could have been. It’s hard to see. How could I have confused the two? They’re so different. I’d never truly been loved before. Never had that gaze that -break my back for you everyday- commitment. That “dream with me and love these people who we were blessed to raise as a team” thing. I had no idea it could feel like this. I had no idea it was really real.
…it really is real. I am loved. By my creator… and by someone He sent to love me. This is it.

This IS love.